bbevan.github.io

A collection of writings about math, technology, and open source software.

Good Writing
Guaranteed.

Unless you disagree.

Yup.1

Brandon Bevan

nbbevan@gmail.com

Technical Writer with a Technical Background

Deriving Solutions to the Unknown from the Measured

Volunteer Experience

  1. SUSE Documentation Project
  1. Research Assistant in Astronomy @ Georgia Southern University
  1. American Red Cross

Education

Language Spoken

Skillset

Soft Skills



Career Path

Data Analyst and Technical Communications Specialist

The Data Analyst and Technical Communications specialist is a unique member of the team who specializes in both data and writing expertise. They typically hold a Bachelor's or Master's degree in a quantitative field. Their knowledge of programming, statistics, and writing enables them to both investigate questions whose answers depend on data and communicate high-level technical information between teams who may not speak the same technical language. They are detail oriented, responsible, and have a knack for understanding complex processes across multiple domains.

Job Titles

Data Analyst, Junior Analyst, Data Scientist, Technical Writer, Technical Editor, Research Assistant, Consultant

Functions

Data Analysts work within a Government, Business, or Non-Profit organization collecting measurements for analysis. Analysts collect measurements from customer databases, sales logs, census data, surveys, scientific experiments, websites, or written field reports. They clean, collate, sort, and store these measurements in database files for efficient storage and retrieval. Once loaded into the database, the measurements, or data, are transferred into statistical analysis software (such as R, Microsoft Excel, Python, or SPSS). Analysts then compute statistics on the data in order to discover underlying patterns and trends within the numbers. These patterns and trends are then written into reports, and passed to managers who use the information as business intelligence.

Technical communications specialists are writers who specializes in effective communication of technical information. User manuals, help files, copy, reports, and research summaries are the technical information they disseminate. They make rhetorical analyses for the document, meaning they

They work hand in hand with analysts, engineers, developers, and experts to gather high-level tech information and translate the jargon to language that members of other departments can understand. Technical communications specialists also generate ideas by brainstorming, plan the content structure of a document, and design the look of the document for visual appeal. They are, in essence, technically trained individuals who also write very well.

Where Analysts are technical experts, often holding a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, or any other quantitative research field, but also trained in programming and Statistics, the Technical Communications Specialists are experts in communications, holding the same education but trained in the writing process as well. They work together to break down processes and disseminate information as a team in order to gain a competitive business edge by improving processes and discovering trends in customer behavior.

Keywords

Linux, R, SPSS, Excel, Pivot Tables, Consulting, Research, Writing, Editing, Reports, Business Intelligence, Deep Learning, Artificial Intelligence, Pandas, Python, Tensorflow, Statistical Modeling, Machine Learning

Education Path Options

BS Computer Science , BS Mathematics, BS Physical Sciences → MS Analytics or MBA

BS Computer Science , BS Mathematics, BS Physical Sciences → MS Technical Writing

BS Mathematics → MS Applied Statistics

openSUSE Documents Updated for Style Consistency

pull2.png

pull2.png

This week , I made style edits to the openSUSE document 64bit_issues.xml located in the develop branch of the doc repository. The information itself was left alone. But I opened up my handy-dandy xml editor and made changes for

The original document describes 64bit issues that take place on the openSUSE system. For instance, 32bit compilation is not supported on 64bit systems. However, you can still run 32bit applications that have not been ported to 64bit yet. Also, there are special instructions for PAM if you’re running the 64bit version of openSUSE .

The original author did a great job writing the document, but there were a few things that needed cleaning, and I wanted experience working on a document project. For example, the original author wrote a few passages in the passive voice. I changed them to the active voice, and that change caused some passages to be less ambiguous. I also changed an adverb or two by using a strong verb in its place. I hope the changes I made give a sense that the English feels organic, native, and fluent.

Since I want to begin a career as a technical writer, I need to begin developing a portfolio. Editing this document for style gave me the opportunity to

I now have a unique experience to talk about during my next job interview. I can say "Yes, I have open source experience." I can say "Yes, I have technical writing and editing experience." I can also say "Yes, I have both Git Desktop and command line experience, brother." And that's the most important part of a job interview: to talk, striking common ground with my interviewer so that they'll like me - and offer the opportunity to work.

I’m really happy with the results and I’d like to show you how to build the document yourself so you can get started with your own technical writing career.

Dependencies

I assume you are running openSUSE-leap 15.0 like me. I also assume (maybe falsely so) that the DAPS software is already installed on your system. If not, open konsole and sudo the following command:


> sudo zypper in daps

Remember, zypper needs root access to install software.

Allow the system to install dependencies and the software. Depending on your connection speed, it can take a while. I recall a download size in excess of 1GB. When it’s done check back with me, and we’ll clone the repository from Git.

Clone the Repository

Ok, great.

First, create a new directory that you’d like to work in.


> mkdir susedocs

Second, change directories and clone the develop branch of the doc-sle repository. Then cd into the newly cloned doc-sle directory.


> cd susedocs

> git clone [https://github.com/SUSE/doc-sle.git](https://github.com/SUSE/doc-sle.git)

> cd doc-sle

We won’t build the individual 64bit_issues.xml file. I had issues doing so (it rendered multiple software version names within the document– and I’m not sure why) . Instead, we’ll build the entire openSUSE-leap 15.0 develop manual to see what it looks like in context.

Perform the following command in the konsole bash-prompt:


> daps -d DC-SLED-html pdf

The process of building the document will take some time, but after it’s done, you’ll have access to the entire openSUSE develop-branch documentation. Take a look in the toc for the 64 bit issues section, and let me know if it reads smooth or not. Drop me a line at nbbevan [at] gmail.com if you read anything inconsistent with appropriate style.

-Brandon

ch-ch-changes

ch-ch-changes



How to Install Git on openSUSE-leap 15.0

One simple command

sudo zypper install git

Watch what happens...

brandon@linux-3sb5:~> sudo zypper install git
[sudo] password for root: 
Loading repository data...
Reading installed packages...
Resolving package dependencies...

The following 26 NEW packages are going to be installed:
  bash-completion-devel cvs cvsps git git-core git-cvs git-email git-gui gitk git-svn
  libapr1 libapr-util1 libpcre2-8-0 libserf-1-1 libsha1detectcoll1
  libsvn_auth_kwallet-1-0 libutf8proc2 perl-Authen-SASL perl-DBD-SQLite perl-DBI
  perl-Digest-HMAC perl-Error perl-Net-SMTP-SSL subversion subversion-bash-completion
  subversion-perl

The following 8 recommended packages were automatically selected:
  git-cvs git-email git-gui gitk git-svn perl-Authen-SASL perl-Net-SMTP-SSL
  subversion-bash-completion

The following 2 packages are suggested, but will not be installed:
  git-daemon git-web

26 new packages to install.
Overall download size: 13.2 MiB. Already cached: 0 B. After the operation, additional
54.7 MiB will be used.
Continue? [y/n/...? shows all options] (y): y
Retrieving package bash-completion-devel-2.7-lp150.2.3.noarch
                                                  (1/26),  31.3 KiB (  292   B unpacked)
Retrieving: bash-completion-devel-2.7-lp150.2.3.noarch.rpm .........[done (137.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package cvs-1.12.12-lp150.1.9.x86_64   (2/26), 404.7 KiB (962.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: cvs-1.12.12-lp150.1.9.x86_64.rpm .....................................[done]
Retrieving package cvsps-2.1-lp150.1.3.x86_64     (3/26),  62.9 KiB (128.6 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: cvsps-2.1-lp150.1.3.x86_64.rpm .......................................[done]
Retrieving package libapr1-1.6.3-lp150.1.1.x86_64 (4/26), 114.6 KiB (244.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libapr1-1.6.3-lp150.1.1.x86_64.rpm .......................[done (1.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package libpcre2-8-0-10.31-lp150.1.3.x86_64
                                                  (5/26), 235.5 KiB (648.1 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libpcre2-8-0-10.31-lp150.1.3.x86_64.rpm ..............................[done]
Retrieving package libsha1detectcoll1-1.0.3-lp150.2.2.x86_64
                                                  (6/26),  23.2 KiB ( 45.8 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libsha1detectcoll1-1.0.3-lp150.2.2.x86_64.rpm ...........[done (15.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package libutf8proc2-2.1.0-lp150.1.3.x86_64
                                                  (7/26),  59.4 KiB (308.7 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libutf8proc2-2.1.0-lp150.1.3.x86_64.rpm ..............................[done]
Retrieving package perl-DBI-1.639-lp150.1.3.x86_64
                                                  (8/26), 746.5 KiB (  2.1 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-DBI-1.639-lp150.1.3.x86_64.rpm ......................[done (1.9 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package perl-Digest-HMAC-1.03-lp150.1.6.noarch
                                                  (9/26),  16.3 KiB ( 10.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-Digest-HMAC-1.03-lp150.1.6.noarch.rpm ...........................[done]
Retrieving package perl-Error-0.17025-lp150.1.6.noarch
                                                 (10/26),  40.5 KiB ( 70.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-Error-0.17025-lp150.1.6.noarch.rpm ..............................[done]
Retrieving package perl-Net-SMTP-SSL-1.04-lp150.1.3.noarch
                                                 (11/26),  12.4 KiB (  4.4 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-Net-SMTP-SSL-1.04-lp150.1.3.noarch.rpm ..............[done (1.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package libapr-util1-1.6.1-lp150.2.6.x86_64
                                                 (12/26), 101.4 KiB (240.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libapr-util1-1.6.1-lp150.2.6.x86_64.rpm ..............................[done]
Retrieving package perl-DBD-SQLite-1.54-lp150.1.11.x86_64
                                                 (13/26),   1.9 MiB (  8.6 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-DBD-SQLite-1.54-lp150.1.11.x86_64.rpm ...............[done (1.2 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package perl-Authen-SASL-2.16-lp150.1.3.noarch
                                                 (14/26),  53.2 KiB ( 96.8 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: perl-Authen-SASL-2.16-lp150.1.3.noarch.rpm ..............[done (15.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package libserf-1-1-1.3.9-lp150.2.6.x86_64
                                                 (15/26),  73.4 KiB (145.3 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libserf-1-1-1.3.9-lp150.2.6.x86_64.rpm ...............................[done]
Retrieving package subversion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64
                                                 (16/26),   2.7 MiB (  9.8 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: subversion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64.rpm ...................[done (2.2 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package subversion-bash-completion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.noarch
                                                 (17/26), 102.1 KiB ( 47.8 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: subversion-bash-completion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.noarch.rpm ...............[done]
Retrieving package subversion-perl-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64
                                                 (18/26), 989.9 KiB (  4.9 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: subversion-perl-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64.rpm ..............[done (1.6 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package libsvn_auth_kwallet-1-0-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64
                                                 (19/26),  96.6 KiB ( 18.6 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: libsvn_auth_kwallet-1-0-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64.rpm ..................[done]
Retrieving package git-core-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (20/26),   3.9 MiB ( 23.1 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-core-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ...................[done (2.4 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package gitk-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (21/26), 246.7 KiB (735.0 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: gitk-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm .......................[done (1.0 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package git-svn-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (22/26), 644.8 KiB (  1.2 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-svn-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ..................[done (414.8 KiB/s)]
Retrieving package git-gui-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (23/26), 311.0 KiB (  1.2 MiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-gui-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ....................[done (2.1 MiB/s)]
Retrieving package git-email-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (24/26), 139.0 KiB ( 59.9 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-email-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ..............................[done]
Retrieving package git-cvs-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64
                                                 (25/26), 178.2 KiB (215.5 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-cvs-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ................................[done]
Retrieving package git-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 (26/26), 117.6 KiB (  2.9 KiB unpacked)
Retrieving: git-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64.rpm ........................[done (1.0 KiB/s)]
Checking for file conflicts: .....................................................[done]
( 1/26) Installing: bash-completion-devel-2.7-lp150.2.3.noarch ...................[done]
( 2/26) Installing: cvs-1.12.12-lp150.1.9.x86_64 .................................[done]
( 3/26) Installing: cvsps-2.1-lp150.1.3.x86_64 ...................................[done]
( 4/26) Installing: libapr1-1.6.3-lp150.1.1.x86_64 ...............................[done]
( 5/26) Installing: libpcre2-8-0-10.31-lp150.1.3.x86_64 ..........................[done]
( 6/26) Installing: libsha1detectcoll1-1.0.3-lp150.2.2.x86_64 ....................[done]
( 7/26) Installing: libutf8proc2-2.1.0-lp150.1.3.x86_64 ..........................[done]
( 8/26) Installing: perl-DBI-1.639-lp150.1.3.x86_64 ..............................[done]
( 9/26) Installing: perl-Digest-HMAC-1.03-lp150.1.6.noarch .......................[done]
(10/26) Installing: perl-Error-0.17025-lp150.1.6.noarch ..........................[done]
(11/26) Installing: perl-Net-SMTP-SSL-1.04-lp150.1.3.noarch ......................[done]
(12/26) Installing: libapr-util1-1.6.1-lp150.2.6.x86_64 ..........................[done]
(13/26) Installing: perl-DBD-SQLite-1.54-lp150.1.11.x86_64 .......................[done]
(14/26) Installing: perl-Authen-SASL-2.16-lp150.1.3.noarch .......................[done]
(15/26) Installing: libserf-1-1-1.3.9-lp150.2.6.x86_64 ...........................[done]
(16/26) Installing: subversion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64 ...........................[done]
Additional rpm output:
Updating /etc/sysconfig/svnserve ...                                                    


(17/26) Installing: subversion-bash-completion-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.noarch ...........[done]
(18/26) Installing: subversion-perl-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64 ......................[done]
(19/26) Installing: libsvn_auth_kwallet-1-0-1.10.0-lp150.1.2.x86_64 ..............[done]
(20/26) Installing: git-core-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ...........................[done]
(21/26) Installing: gitk-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ...............................[done]
(22/26) Installing: git-svn-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ............................[done]
(23/26) Installing: git-gui-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ............................[done]
(24/26) Installing: git-email-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ..........................[done]
(25/26) Installing: git-cvs-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ............................[done]
(26/26) Installing: git-2.16.4-lp150.2.3.1.x86_64 ................................[done]

Magic hath been wrought.

brandon@linux-3sb5:~> git
usage: git [--version] [--help] [-C <path>] [-c name=value]
           [--exec-path[=<path>]] [--html-path] [--man-path] [--info-path]
           [-p | --paginate | --no-pager] [--no-replace-objects] [--bare]
           [--git-dir=<path>] [--work-tree=<path>] [--namespace=<name>]
           <command> [<args>]

These are common Git commands used in various situations:

start a working area (see also: git help tutorial)
   clone      Clone a repository into a new directory
   init       Create an empty Git repository or reinitialize an existing one

work on the current change (see also: git help everyday)
   add        Add file contents to the index
   mv         Move or rename a file, a directory, or a symlink
   reset      Reset current HEAD to the specified state
   rm         Remove files from the working tree and from the index

examine the history and state (see also: git help revisions)
   bisect     Use binary search to find the commit that introduced a bug
   grep       Print lines matching a pattern
   log        Show commit logs
   show       Show various types of objects
   status     Show the working tree status

grow, mark and tweak your common history
   branch     List, create, or delete branches
   checkout   Switch branches or restore working tree files
   commit     Record changes to the repository
   diff       Show changes between commits, commit and working tree, etc
   merge      Join two or more development histories together
   rebase     Reapply commits on top of another base tip
   tag        Create, list, delete or verify a tag object signed with GPG

collaborate (see also: git help workflows)
   fetch      Download objects and refs from another repository
   pull       Fetch from and integrate with another repository or a local branch
   push       Update remote refs along with associated objects

'git help -a' and 'git help -g' list available subcommands and some
concept guides. See 'git help <command>' or 'git help <concept>'
to read about a specific subcommand or concept.

Background

I recently released open source blogging software in less than ten lines of code. The script blog.sh acts as a glue between pandoc and git, automating Github publishing to http://username.github.io blog sites.

In September 2018, I was 4 months out from university graduation, and I needed to settle on a career path to refine my job searches. My career goals were technical writing, data analysis, or journalism. Since I wanted to write, I found a mentor through the Society of Technical Communications. I asked my mentor for advice on technical writing after a brief introduction, and she gave me a tactic for exploring process writing: "explore some real-world projects you can take on that fill the bill for technical communication that you can include in a portfolio." I wasn't exactly sure how to do that, and when we spoke again, she suggested the following: "Can you document a procedure or set of instructions that will meet a need or fill in an important gap and enable people to complete an important task? Is there some concept that you understand pretty well but is unclear or even daunting to some people that you can clarify, use tables and or visuals to explain?" So I began to write about any process I could think of.

I pre-wrote about what I knew: Math, Technology, Open Source Software, and personal experience. I wrote my work in Markdown syntax which is an intermediary markup language you can convert to html.

I thought about posting this work to a blog, but wasn't too happy with available software. Blogger.com was old hat. Wordpress hosting was expensive. So I had this idea: Why don't I just concatenate these files together, convert them to one static index.html page, and post all of the work to GitHub? It was free, it was edgy, and it was not complicated, and that was everything I wanted from a program that would generate static pages and automatically publish them to the Internet for me.

So I hacked together 5-10 whole lines of code by myself. Grabbed pandoc via zypper. Gnabbed a stylesheet from someone else. Then hacked and hacked on the stylesheet until it became a work closer to my own. What you see is my effort to create the leanest blogging software that I could code in order to write instructions for it.

As it stands, this README.md took longer to write than the blog.sh script.

The Script

The Script

Exlean - An Extremely Lean Github Blog Software for Linux

This project is for users who need extremely lean blogging software for github.io hosted sites. It was Developed on OpenSUSE Leap 15.0 in September 2018, and it's the defacto publishing software for the bbevan.github.io blog. The best part? It's a Bash script written in less than 10 lines of code.

Prerequisites and Installation

git init 
git remote add origin https://github.com/bbevan/exlean 
git pull origin master

then

git remote add myblog https://github.com/username/username.github.io.git
GitHub

GitHub

How This Works

blog.sh is a five-line shell script that

  1. Moves blog.md to blog.bak
  2. Concatenates all markdown files within a directory
  3. Writes the concatenation to blog.md
  4. Converts blog.md to blog.html with css styling via pandoc
  5. Invokes an add, a commit, and a push via git

Instructions

Write new blogposts in Markdown format. Save as filename.md in your blog/ folder, then Run sh blog.sh ; The script will publish all posts in alphabetical order according to the name of the file.

Example

 sh blog.sh

:bulb: Magic occurs in the background.

You will be prompted for your github
username and password. The prompt is
given by git, not us. If in doubt,do
not trust it. Software comes with no
warranty whatsoever. Ya heard? ~-'.'

:exclamation: You may want to baleet README.md because if it renders inside the blog.

The development team sends thanks to everyone at OpenSUSE who let them gain experience writing for open source by giving them an opportunity to volunteer for their documentation project.

-Brandon Bevan

Brandon is a recent graduate from Georgia Southern University with a BS in Mathematics. He's currently writing about open source software, editing documents for the OpenSUSE project, and eating a lot of vegetarian junk food. In his downtime, he likes to hone his data skills and volunteer for the American Red Cross.

Clinch

When I was a student, I wrote this piece while depressed/manic during my final semester. While juggling school-work and social life, I was awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit. Facing 20 years in prison with papers to write and speeches to give, my medication for Bipolar Disorder began to fail me. These thoughts came to mind around March 2018, just a few weeks before jury selection.

This is an essay of how hard it was that day.

Before the sun rises, between the paralysis of sleep and full waking we experience a special consciousness - part dream , part waking thought. Abstract symbols from the subconscious representing painful memories stored as neural pulse intermingle with the stressful aspects of day to day existence, synthesizing a horror beyond simple nightmare. e.g. the realization that I was needed for responsible endeavor immediately. My body was frozen in paralysis beyond my ability to command.

Slouching away from the twisted sheets no laundered item rested on the chair, or layed neatly folded in oak drawers, or layed dirty on the floor. Beyond comprehension clothing I own had vanished. I wore the pair of jeans slept in, a red hoodie and blue sports coat paired with black slippers out the door late. The heat built-up in Spring. It was humid and I could feel the skipped shower manifesting itself within the aroma of my unwashed clothes. One shoe worn down to the skin. The other talking. Jeans slightly sagged from sweat and the sun shown hard into the corneas of my eyes.

As I walk , images of shingles and metallic boxes waxed in and out of my vision. The full spectrum of color in the sweat of the mid-morning. The cabbage smell of hot garbage wafting from tipped , rubber trash cans. Burning asphalt. Molten stink. Walking from my aparment door towards campus less than a mile away, I recalled speaking with a childhood acquiantance:

"I can't get a six pack. I eat and eat and eat 
    and still can't get a damn six pack."
"What have you been eating?"
"Fuckin' Snickers pie dude! 
    What do you think I've been eating?"
"Whey protein shakes with ice-cold milk and cream perhaps?"
"That's chocolate. That'll never work."
"It's protein."
"Chocolate will make you fat. Any dumbass knows that."

My stomach began to rumble. A sign that I ate something with milk in it.

I drifted back while standing in line for food to the image of a hobo in the cafeteria window. Students strolled by with wet hair and the smell of musk permeated the bouquet of floral body sprays and mint. I began to feel awkward, more awkward than usual as I sensed that my clothing was unusual for a Senior non-traditional student. Black slippers I purchased from Wal-Mart for approximately $10. A navy sports-coat I purchased on credit from a Belk's department store (not on sale). My jeans needed to be washed. I wore no shirt but instead opted for a red sweatshirt with a tractor supply brand inked in white on the chest. I walked to class, deciding to eat lunch instead of breakfast that morning. It stunk too much everywhere. I pointed to much anger towards my personhood in my psyche and became nauseated while staring at my reflection.

I saw her in class. She was at least 10 years younger than me. Slender, blonde hair. We were preparing to give talks in a special communications course designed for Mathematics majors. She stood there with her mother who came to support her talk today.

"This is Brandon. He's from our hometown too. We met at the gym."

"Oh do you work there?"

I could feel the inflammation in the blood vessels of my eye.

"No ma'am. I just workout there."

My stoic self gave under pressure as my eyes burned hard from tears. I looked at her and mumbled something incoherent.

"What?"
"I said it's nice."
"What's nice?"
"The gym in the early hours of the dawn."

In politeness, I excused myself for a moment and stepped outside the doorway. I looked down and gripped the Freud reader I found on the take-home tables parked outside the office of the Dean. Immediately my mind reeled, wondering about my current relationship with God, how I had failed Him. How I had turned from Christianity to other religions and back - how I had turned from the Word to the intellectual time and time again, and failed to keep the faith. I failed to maintain that I will love others as myself.

But I didn't love myself in this moment. I was a parody of stoic manhood I so admirably adore. The stress brought more memories back to life in my consciousness.

"I need a dip." 
"You are a dip."
"That boy likes dip."

I heard voices say in the back of my cognition. I forgot to take my medicine again. It was a little blue and white pill that kept my memories from becoming real. Voices of the damned. Sounds eminating from Hades. Souls out of Erabus so the poet said. Students walked softly around the corner of the hallway, towards the Biology building, books in hand, spectres of the academic machinery of America. And as I walked out of the building, I hoped that my near-finished education was evidence to myself - that I can focus - that I can concentrate on a book long enough to read the whole goddamn thing, and possibly write an essay on it. But evidence suggested otherwise - that the stress of life and transition left me phased, unable to work, unable to concentrate, unable to maintain intellectualization of my experience as emotion overcame the dam of my spirit when I walked towards the crosswalk back home.

The looping memories of my wretchedness. People were around me. Early 20's. Some teenagers. I approached 40 without ease. Losing hair. Losing weight from stress. Losing sight of my dream and giving in to mundane adulthood. Settling into signs of defeat as I slightly sighed "it's over."

I've lost my ability to impress women: mate, mother, or otherwise.

In my vision, the off-white diode emitted the symbol of pedestrian travel permitting the cross off the campus. For some reason the symbol struck me as unusual.

"I was wondering if anyone else has considered that one LED is burned out of the light?" I asked. No one answers.

Realizing that my fellow students are engaged in banter among themselves, I took one step with with knee slightly bent in hopes that I would not pass-out during the one mile walk back home. My stomach began to rumble again. Nauseua and cramps from the whey.

I used to like it when my mind settled on senses. There were sounds, sights, visions, voices that existed within my soul that never rested, never ceased to erode my concentration unless there was a chance that my eyes beheld the sights of the world external, or my ears caught sound of squirrels mating, squeeling frustrations, cracking nuts and scrambling towards the branches.

I took note of things in my surroundings if I could. To my left , a bar, to my right a bar as well with other things like the Fast and Easy or the fried chicken shack. I learned that my mind would fall on tactile sensation so I rubbed the fabric of my sports coat and sensed the way it's smoothness may cause it to shimmer in the light.

I wanted to sing at this moment but I could not hear the tones without making strong use of my diaphragm - but I need it to breathe as I stepped up my pace noting muscular spasms in my lower abdomen.

I considered the Snickers Pie again and the Freud Reader. Too much stress maybe to hope for anything more than a page here, a page there but much later on around 11 or 11:15 AM. With mind set on the task of comprehension and analysis I paced hard towards my destination making sure that the clinch of my sphincter was secure. That was enough fixation for me in the present moment. This was life beyond intellectualization. It was real and hard and I wasn't sure that I would ever feel a sense of relief because it only gets harder after 40. I was getting there. From that day, I opted for more sweets than usual as a sign of older age.

  1. An ExLean blog http://www.github.com/bbevan/exlean↩